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9th-Aug-2011 07:02 am - Back From Army Life
 Just got back from Army life 3 weeks ago. Miss it like crazy.
29th-Dec-2010 11:51 am - I'm leaving for Basic in a few days
 I may not write for 5+ months.
17th-Dec-2010 06:44 am - Where do I belong?
 Someone tell me please...
6th-Dec-2010 05:58 pm - I'm In Over My Head
 Sometimes I regret enlisting. This as one of those times.

I was at Drill (yesterday) it was family day and I was anxious as usual. I had a stomach ache but I ignored it, I went through my day listening to briefings. My stomach ache was like a rock in my stomach. I don't know how else to describe it. Then after lunch it started to hurt so bad I couldn't stand, I ended up sitting on the floor. I was in uniform so I couldn't look like a family member and just leave. Then I tried to call my Recruiter and ask him what to do... I didn't know where he was and I didn't know most of the people in charge. He was at his office (aka not there) and said I should go up to Sgt "R" and tell him. I went up to Sgt "R" I got reprimanded for not having a battle buddy. I only stood up straight for 2 minutes but that was all I could do to stand. I went back to the bathroom with my mom and cried. I told her I couldn't do this. Then I did my best to calm down and the other girls tried to help me, one girl went with me to be my battle buddy. I talked to Sgt "R" again and he gave me the same ol' "child talking to an adult when the child should be silent" look. He told me to talk to Sgt "G" so we went up to him then I tried to explain to him but then broke out in tears. He had me (and my battle buddy) do push ups "to compose myself" and told me to go back to the bathroom and figure out what I'm going to do with myself. I called back my recruiter (because he told me to tell him what happened) and he said he would talk to Sgt "G". I'm sure it won't make a difference. Then I had to stand in formation during a promotion which is hard normally but seriously hell when I can barely stand up. I was bent slightly forward and breathing loudly and the girl a row ahead of me in my platoon kept asking me if I was okay but I wasn't. I was sweating off and on like crazy and I was praying to God to pass out. Eventually because I had family I could go. I couldn't get out of there fast enough. My mom kept asking me if I was allowed to leave and I said yes over and over again. Why does she feel the need to ask the same questions over and over again? Finally we got in the car and I convinced her to leave. When I got home I was still very sick. I had to take medicines. It was definitely not a "go work it out situation" my sickness still isn't done running it's course.

I am at a loss. I am so defeated. How do I communicate what I need without getting reprimanded? If I need something how can they ignore it? I needed medicine badly. I do not complain about being sick easily but this time I got it bad and I felt out of control and the symtoms had me by the leash. I braved up and went to "work" anyway. I did my best.

I'm hoping that now that I've written it out (which I am ashamed to write this) it will get out of my head so I can finally sleep without seeing Sgt "R" 's face.
6th-Dec-2010 08:03 am(no subject)
 Drill went horrible. I am so sick and so tired. No one cares. It's not all that different from my normal life.
24th-Nov-2010 07:54 am - TM's Thingy (No not penis!)
 1. Name: Erin
2. Birthday: 12/9/91
3. Where do you live: PA
4: What are you studying/What are you working as: Studying myself, working at myself :P
5. What makes you happy: Boys :3
6. What are you listening to now/have listened to last: What Hurts The Most - Rascal Flatts
7. What is particularly good/bad about my LJ: I don't get notifications!
8. An interesting fact about you: I am naturally blonde.
9. Are you in love/have a crush at the moment: Yes
10. Favorite place to be: In my bed ;3
11. Favorite lyric: To hard
12. Best time of the year: Between Christmas and Thanksgiving
13. Weirdest food you like: Brousell Sprouts

RECOMMEND
1. A film: Harry Potter
2. A book: Inheritance Series
3. A song: Can't Be Friends - Trey Songz
4: A band: Linkin Park

PLUS
1. One thing you like about me: You're smart AND cute
2. Two things you like about yourself: I'm not ugly :P and I can read
3. Put this in your LJ so I can tell you what I think of you? Yepstorchic44 
19th-Nov-2010 09:12 am - Post From Xanga: This I Not A Rant
It's more like a whinefest/update on what's going on in my head right now.



I am probably pathetic because Xanga is my socialization source other than tumblr and facebook. I only leave my house when my parents take me somewhere or I go for a walk or to the library. I feel like a shut in. I've actually been a shut in before mind you, for 2-3 years.

I try really hard to befriend people on Xanga and I'm trying to create a kind of support system, I guess maybe that's a bad idea. I find people that i think are interesting or we have the same views or whatever, and I sub and leave comment after comment. They rarely reply, they don't read my posts. It shouldn't hurt me this much but it does. It's a constant wave of rejection when I come on Xanga.

I try to be likable and I try to show everyone my best traits, and I try to be real and honest about my flaws.

I don't have constant friends. I don't even have many real life friends, there's very few people I can call and trust me the 1st 2 people on my list to call if something is wrong are not people from the real world they're friends I've made online.

What is so wrong with me that people can't take 2 seconds out of their day to reply to a comment? Even if it's just a smiley face.

The only reason I stay on Xanga is because of my 3-4 constant readers/commenters.



I am also probably crying because I haven't slept in 3 days my throat (not nose) is congested and I don't have the proper meds for it so I wake up several times a night because I can't breathe.

One of my good friends that I try to talk to every night has been very stressed and in pain from an old injury and we don't get to talk much at all.

"K" and I are at a loss on where to go in our relationship. We're in limbo is it's not healthy. I get have bad thoughts because of this pain I'm bearing. I'm trying to read this book called "Women Who Love Too Much". In one sentence it's about women who are neglected and abandoned in childhood and make up for it in overnurturing other people who are "broken" and need to be "fixed". However we're broken ourselves.

I constantly refer to myself as a rag doll and until I started reading this book I didn't realize how accurate it was.



I am going through constant rejection in my personal life and on Xanga.



So onto happy thoughts, I will not be around for quite a few days because I'm visiting my cousin I don't know if I'll be only or not. I will take lots of pictures, let me know if you're interested in seeing them. My cousin has 4 kids by the way, and hopefully we're going to a craft fair :D YAY.

Also since my account is locked do you think it's okay for me to talk about my emotions and my army stuff on here? I've been debating how to go about this...
18th-Nov-2010 11:52 am - Staying Friends VS. Burning Bridges

November 17th, 2010


Here are my thoughts on Friendships:


1. Good friends and boyfriends/girlfriends tell their friends the truth. If they're being a nasty person they should say so (in the kindest way possible). If A witness B being mean to C, but A does not say anything to B about it that's wrong. Especially if B asked A's opinion or was venting.


 


2. Good friends are not mean to their friends, especially AFTER it's been pointed out that they're being mean. They should apologize immediately and move on.


 


3. When friends get angry with each other they do not go on a deleting spree on every website they both use. They calm down then work it out later.


 


I personally struggle with keeping friends I'll be the first to admit it. I could sit here and point out all my bad qualities and blame myself but I won't. Things aren't always my fault. People make their own decisions.


I was trying to vent to a friend about how I felt that day. I said I was lonely. She replied everyone is. Then posted on facebook "If I wanted to be a therapist, I would have gone to school for it. For one day, I don't want to hear a single problem from anyone." You may disagree with me but that's rude. I told her that. Then it started into a whole nasty conversation where at one point she told me to "shut the fuck up". Then later on tumblr we were having a little post war so to speak. That's where I told her to stop being pathetic, and that I'm not going to excuse her mean behavior. She wrote "you're not as important as you think you are". That was the last thing she said before I realize she stopped following me on tumblr and I decided to return the favor. Then I checked facebook she deleted me from there. Then I checked Xanga she didn't delete me but she's not blogging on Xanga as much I am. Since her comment was in my inbox (and she had already deleted me from everything else) I deleted her. And I blocked from my public blog, because I flat out don't want her reading what I have to say. If she wants to contact me she has my phone number and she knows all the websites I use.


In my opinion, she took a step too far. I hope one of her friends or her boyfriend calls her out on it. That's not how a friend acts (which is also what I told her). I completely understand that people have days where they shut down. I get it. But there's a thing called politeness, it needs to be exercised. I feel she did me wrong, did I say things to make her more mad? Yes I did. I'm being honest.


Do I think she's going to come back and apologize? Hell no! I believe that this is who she is and it is in her nature. She will not change for me or anyone else.


In conclusion, to me a friend is someone who is loyal, has your back, is honest when you're doing something wrong or hurtful. To be a good friend you need to be there when they're annoying, causing you pain, and when it's not convenient, just because they need someone there and they're struggling. Sometimes you listen to them complain about the same thing everyday, sometimes you'll listen to all the good things that happen to them but never happen to you. Whatever it is be a friend anyway.


"I'm selfish, impatient and a little insecure. I make mistakes, I am out of control and at times hard to handle. But if you can't handle me at my worst, then you sure as hell don't deserve me at my best." - Marilyn Monroe


This is true.


-----------------------------


November 18th, 2010


I know their are times when people have to sit back and evaluate whether their friendships are worth it. However what I meant when I said be loyal is be loyal when they're at their worst because most likely that's when they need you most. Don't get me wrong is someone is flat out abusing you by all means cut ties. I don't know every single situation out there, so you have to be the judge on when to cut tires in your own life.


I have cut ties with this girl and will gladly not contact her again. She didn't value our friendship when told me I was being selfish, I'm not important, told me to shut the fuck up, etc. So I'm done. This post helped me get over it.


 


Now what does friendship mean to you?

Disclaimer: If you don't like this post don't comment and waste either of our time okay?


 


Ok there's a couple points I'd like to hit with this.


1. Good friends and boyfriends/girlfriends tell their friends the truth. If they're being a nasty bitch they should say so (in the kindest way possible). If A witness B being mean to C, but A does not say anything to B about it that's wrong. Especially if B asked A's opinion or was venting.


 


2. Good friends are not mean to their friends, especially AFTER it's been pointed out that they're behaving badly. They should apologize immediately and move on.


 


3. When friends get angry with each other they do not go on a deleting spree on every website they both use. They calm down then work it out later.


 


I personally struggle with keeping friends I'll be the first to admit it. I could sit here and point out all my bad qualities and blame myself but I won't. Things are always my fault. People make their own decisions.


I was trying to vent to a friend about how I felt that day. I said I was lonely. She replied everyone is. Then posted "If I wanted to be a therapist, I would have gone to school for it. For one day, I don't want to hear a single problem from anyone." You may disagree with me but that's flat out bitchy. I told her that. Then it started into a whole nasty conversation where at one point she told me to "shut the fuck up". Then later on tumblr we were having a little post war so to speak. That's where i told her to stop being pathetic, and that I'm not going to excuse her mean behavior. She wrote "you're not as important as you think you are". That was the last thing she said before I realize she stopped following me on tumblr and I decided to return the favor. Then I checked facebook she deleted me from there. Then I checked Xanga she didn't delete me but she's blogging on Xanga as much I am. Since her comment was in my inbox (and she had already deleted me from everything else) I deleted her. And I blocked from my public blog, because I flat out don't want her reading what I have to say. If she wants to contact me she has my phone number and she knows all the websites I use.


In my opinion, she took a step too far. I hope one of her friends or her boyfriend calls her out on it. That's not how a friend acts (which is also what I told her). I completely understand that people have days where they shut down. I get it. But there's a thing called politeness, it needs to be exercised. I feel she did me wrong, did I say things to make her more mad? Yes I did. I'm being honest.


Do I think she's going to come back and apologize? Hell no! I believe that this is who she is and it is in her nature. She will not change for me or anyone else.


In conclusion, to me a friend is someone who is loyal, has your back, is honest when you're doing something wrong or hurtful. To be a good friend you need to be there when they're annoying, causing you pain, and when it's not convenient. Sometimes you listen to them complain about the same thing everyday, sometimes you'll listen to all the good things that happen to them but never happen to you. Whatever it is be a friend anyway.


"I'm selfish, impatient and a little insecure. I make mistakes, I am out of control and at times hard to handle. But if you can't handle me at my worst, then you sure as hell don't deserve me at my best." - Marilyn Monroe


This is true.

17th-Nov-2010 09:09 am - SuperAngryTastic
On tumblr my friend Courtney (whom I've been friends with for years on multiple websites) has an ask box, usually I say good morning to her and start a conversation. Of course today she goes and decides to be on bitch mode. So I go to her ask box and ask her why she's up so early, she says work. Then I say I'm lonely. Then she says everyone is. This angers me because of her obvious bitchiness.

She posts this on facebook:
If I wanted to be a therapist, I would have gone to school for it. For one day, I don't want to hear a single problem from anyone.

Me:
I noticed :/

 Yep. Sorry. I get sick of people bogging ME down when they really could, I don't know, try dealing with their own problems instead.

Okay the way to deal with my problems is talking about it with my friends. It doesn't make it go away and it doesn't change it it just makes it easier to suffer through. Also if you want to be a bitch today go right ahead I don't care, I'll do us both a favor and stay out of your way.

Sounds like you DO care. Just saying. I just don't get why EVERYONE, not just you, decides I should be the one to deal with their shit instead of working through it for themselves. How fucking unfair is that? I'm not a therapist, I don't aspire to be one and I don't want more stress when, really, the problems have nothing to do with me. Yep, it's selfish, but so is running to other people every single time something comes up.

You don't know how to be a friend.

Erin, please do me a favor and shut the fuck up.

Actually back 4 comments ago I was done with this conversation but you wanted to keep going.

Yeah, it's not fair to ask one person to deal with everyone's problems all the time. They need a break sometimes too.

Erin: You didn't even need to comment at all. Just saying.
Cortney: Exactly. I am so bogged down with my own stress (like people tend to do at times) that I don't want to deal with anyone else for one measly day. I don't think that is too much to ask.


See you're still keeping the conversation going.


(the red type is one of her random friends)
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